Raising Resilient Kids: Kylie Lowry of My Therapist Kylie On Strategies for Nurturing Emotional Strength in Children
In today’s fast-paced world, children face numerous challenges that can impact their emotional well-being. Developing resilience is key to helping them navigate these obstacles and grow into emotionally strong individuals. How can parents, educators, and caregivers foster this resilience in children? As part of this interview series, we had the pleasure to interview Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Kylie Lowry.
Kylie Lowry, is the owner of My Therapist Kylie private practice, and a proud Mom of two. She provides therapy to adults, teens, and children who are overwhelmed by their thoughts and emotions. Her nurturing, supportive, guidance has helped thousands of people learn how to gain control, motivate themselves, and communicate calmly and confidently no matter what comes their way.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a bit about your background and your backstory?
Like a lot of therapists, my own pain drew me to psychology. I’ve always been an anxious, sensitive person with lots of worry. Luckily, I grew up in a household where mental health problems were openly talked about and addressed with therapy. Once I learned more about why I felt the way I did, and what to do about it, I couldn’t imagine keeping that information all to myself.
Can you share a story with us about what brought you to your particular career path?
When I was ten, my Dad introduced me to Marcus Aurelius and the power of positive thinking. I remember sitting on our front porch so excited by the idea that I didn’t have to be helpless anymore. I could learn how to think differently about my experiences and be more confident and in control.
Can you share with our readers a bit about why you are an authority on raising resilient kids? In your opinion, what is your unique contribution to this field?
I’m naturally an anxious, permissive, helicopter Mom, so I totally get it! But I’ve also spent as long as I can remember learning about psychology, applying the skills to my daily life, and teaching others how to do the same.
Do you have a favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Do you have a story about how that was relevant in your life or your work?
Of course, it has to be my favorite from Marcus Aurelius, “You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” This concept is the backbone of my work. My goal every day is to help people feel empowered over their emotions and life circumstances.
Ok, thank you for all that. Now let’s move to the main focus of our interview. How can parents handle situations when a child faces failure or disappointment? What strategies can parents use to help a child bounce back?
As parents, our natural focus is on what our kids are doing wrong. When things don’t go as planned, it’s easy to focus on the “you should haves.” I urge parents to frame “failure” as a temporary setback and learning opportunity. Focus on what your kid did right, acknowledge and verbalize the desired characteristics they exhibited, and invite them to discuss their ideas on how they can use those strengths to maximize their success next time. This sends the message to your child that you believe in their ability to face difficult challenges, regulate their emotions, and overcome them.
What role does parental modeling of resilience play in the development of emotional strength in children? Can you share an example of a resilient parenting moment that you experienced directly or that you have come across in the course of your work?
As they say “monkey see, monkey do.” Modeling is one of our most powerful parenting tools. I encourage parents to consciously model the skills they want their kids to exhibit, by verbalizing how they feel, and practicing self-soothing and assertiveness. This can be as simple as “I am frustrated with you right now, I’m going to walk away and take a few deep breaths.”
What approaches do you recommend to foster a growth mindset in children, encouraging them to see challenge as opportunities to learn?
Praise effort over outcome. Our words powerfully shape what our children believe about themselves. We can’t control the outcome of events, but we can control the effort we put forth. Instead of praising their achievement (good job on the test, you won the match, you got into the school you wanted, etc.) praise the effort and the desired characteristics exhibited (you are so …focused, persistent, hardworking, cooperative, etc.).
How can parents balance providing support with allowing their children to experience and overcome difficulties on their own?
Children perform at their best when their goals are challenging but attainable. Set them up for success by starting with concepts above what they could do on their own, but are achievable with the right tools and support.
Teaching emotional resilience looks like having a clear idea of your child’s current ability level, explaining the skill, modeling the skill, having the child model the skill, prompting the use of the skill when needed, and finally praising the spontaneous use of the skill when it occurs.
What self-care practices would you recommend for parents to maintain their own resilience while going through the everyday challenges of raising children?
It’s so important for parents to be aware of their own insecurities and fears. Often the things we are hardest on our kids about are the things we don’t like about ourselves. I recommend parents be aware of their own shame and work towards solutions or acceptance, so they don’t cope by overcompensating with criticism of their kids.
Ok. Here is the main question of our discussion. Can you please share “5 Strategies To Raise Children With Resilience and Emotional Strength”? If you can, kindly share a story or example for each.
1. Resist the urge to be a helicopter parent. We had no idea we were doing this until my brother-in-law started referring to my husband and I, as our son’s “secret service detail.” It’s one thing to learn how to stop micromanaging their behavior at the park, but it’s been a whole other ball game as my sons get older, not to come to their emotional rescue all the time. My oldest son Nicholas, gave me permission to share his recent experience. He was playing baseball and reacted with frustration after striking out. His coach became angry and yelled at him, admonishing him in front of his peers. He came back to the car between games and tearfully said he didn’t want to play again. My instinct to protect him from pain was strong. I wanted to hug him, tell him that guy was mean, and go home. But I also realized resilience is grown by facing tough situations, acknowledging your emotions, coping with them, and overcoming them. I’ve never been prouder than watching him express his feelings, actively cope with them, and be able to return to his team with his shoulders high. He learned sportsmanship, and more importantly, that when you make a mistake, you repair it by learning and facing it with dignity. He knows now, that he has what it takes to face difficult things, and that as a family we won’t rescue him from them, but we’ll stand behind him and support him all the way.
2. Know your family values and make sure your kids do too. Make a conscious decision early on about what values are priorities for your family. Speak about them often and lead by example. Be sure to acknowledge and praise those characteristics when your kids live them out. The Lowry family stands for hard work, loyalty, and kindness, and we never give up!
3. Praise effort over outcome. My preschool teacher once referred to me as a workhorse and it easily became part of my identity. Who knows where I would be if she had just given me a lame, “nice job” comment instead?
4. Use the scaffolding method. For instance, if the child throws tantrums when told no, the first step is to explain (during a calm time) that anger causes us to want to attack. Explain that we won’t want to calm ourselves down in that moment, but that it’s really important to walk away and focus on calming our bodies with slow deep breaths. Then model this out, role-play feeling angry, wanting to attack, but walking away and taking deep breaths to calm down instead. Have your kid do the role play and praise their efforts and willingness. Look for opportunities to verbalize your frustration and model walking away and self-soothing as often as possible. Notice when your kids are getting mad during real life, and prompt them to “show me how well you manage your anger, show me how you can walk away and breathe slowly to calm down.” Be on the lookout for times when they can verbalize their anger, walk away, and self-soothe on their own, and be sure to specifically acknowledge their ability to face hard emotions and cope with them.
5. Realize your job as a parent isn’t to protect them from every difficult situation or emotion. It’s to prepare them with the mindset and skills to face whatever comes their way. Do your best to focus on the effort you are putting in and have faith that it will be enough. Your belief in their ability to face adversity, and continue despite setbacks, is vital for teaching resilience.
How can mindfulness and emotional regulation techniques be incorporated into daily routines to support children’s emotional resilience?
I love the idea of having a calm-down corner from Conscious Discipline. It’s great to have a space to go when feeling overwhelmed by emotions, as it reinforces the concept of walking away and refocusing our thoughts on calming our bodies down. Nature walks are my favorite way to teach mindfulness. Take your kids on a walk, find somewhere to rest, and use your senses to observe your surroundings. Notice what you see, smell, touch, and hear. Listen for silence and stillness along with sounds. Observe what you feel inside yourself and what thoughts pop up. Be in the present moment, and accept what is, without judging it as good or bad.
Are there any specific tools or resources (books, apps, courses) you recommend for individuals looking to improve in this area?
I recommend 123 Magic by Dr. Phelan as well as Conscious Discipline. I can’t say enough about the no-talking, no-emotion rule elaborated on in 123 Magic and Conscious Discipline does a great job illustrating helpful routines and calm-down strategies for kids.
Wonderful. We are nearly done. Is there a person in the world, or in the US, with whom you would like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why? He or she might just see this, especially if we tag them. :-)
I have a lot of respect for Rick Steves. I’ve enjoyed his travel show, Rick Steves Europe, as part of my self-care for as long as I can remember. He embodies the “go with the flow” attitude from years of facing travel frustrations with a positive mindset and confidence in his own resilience. I’m sure he has some adventurous stories to tell!
How can our readers further follow your work online?
Please follow mytherapistkylie on Pinterest for great information on psychology and coping skills and check for new blogs at www.mytherapistkylie.com
This was very meaningful, thank you so much. We wish you only continued success on your great work!